She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize