I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
