I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
