I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
