The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
