Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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