i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
