now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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