I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
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