im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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