toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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