WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
