tonight lets celebrate not being married
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
