just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
