Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
