I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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