"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
