my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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