Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
