I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
