Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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