Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
is it fun? or sober?
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