ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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