I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
