He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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