Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
This baby is an asshole
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
