I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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