I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize