I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
