goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
