I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
