she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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