I didn't shave. On purpose
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
