I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
