Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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