My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
