Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
