I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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