oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
are you so shy because you have an std?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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