Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
