It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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