she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
