On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I need moral support for this bender
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
