Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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