Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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