Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
