I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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