Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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