You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
