nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
