my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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