Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
