this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
