Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
