This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize